My struggles for this few months...
Friday, Oct. 31, 2003 - 2:27 p.m.
Dear Confident,
It had been a busy semester for me. A tough and sad one too.. I'm sorry for not updating but I really do not have the luxury to sit down in front of the computer to type an entry..
Now that I'm back to share my struggles for the whole semester and hope that it would encourage you somehow.. :)
Why don't I have the luxury to sit in front of the computer to update? One of the reason is my hectic semester schedule but the over-ridding reason is that I don't have freedom to use my home computer with internet access. I have to use it secretly at the risk of getting scoldings. Who restricted me? My dear younger brother... Can't believe it? It is true.. That is the sad truth.. The whole thing starts because of a stupid mistake that I made..
I made a promise to my mum. I had been disobedient to my mum because of my ill-discipline to do 2 things (let's collectively call them A). So I made a promise to my mum that I'll do A in hope to exchange for her complete acceptance for me to go church. I told her that I will do A everyday if not I will not go for Sunday service for each time that I failed..
A silly heavy promise huh? I actually risk the Sabbath (the 4th commandment)!! As you all know, habits cannot be changed overnight. I didn't do A for a few times. But I still go for service. I can't break the commandment, moreover I made commitments to 3 ministries in church. How could I miss services so many times? I thought I could take my time to change, to do A everyday. Slowly get the acceptance from my mum.
But how wrong I am, my brother was not happy that I didn't keep to my promise. But I did not know that. He start putting a password to the home computer. I couldn't use with freedom. Fighting with him is of no use from pass experience. I was very angry with him.
Being rush to solve the problem, I brought a laptop with my dad's funding. I thought I could use my home internet access when he's not at home.. You know by connecting the modem and stuff. BUT he found out and change the internet password.
I didn't want to sign my own internet access plan as I think it is a waste of money. My home internet access was an unlimited broadband plan. Sometimes, he would give the computer password when I told him I need internet access for project and other impt stuff. But soon he IGNORED my requests. So I used the computer secretly (i.e. when he on the computer overnight, when he didn't lock it with a password).. He would roar at me when he caught me using it secretly.
I was very sad by his actions. I would ask my mum to talk some reason out of him. I would cry during the night because of this. I had no peace. I also started to drift from God. Perhaps subconsciously I was angry with God for my situation. I don't know what to do. I was quiet most of the time. I struggle to do my projects. I struggle to keep up with my studies. At the same time, I struggle with making new friends in my new class. So many struggles that I remembered asking God to let me die earlier so that I could reach heaven soon and get away from the suffering. Such strange thoughts was in my head during the long period of struggles.
I recently found out the reason for his unreasonable attitude. One day when I was rushing a project that requires internet research, my brother refuse to allow me to use. I ask my mum for help in desperate-ness of the deadline. After much persuation he gave in.
After that, she was in tears. She said, "Both are my children, who should I defence? No matter who I defend, I will still hurt myself. You think I never tried to help you. Who ask you to go church?" Her last statement strike me. I thought all the while she accepted me to go for service though not complete acceptance. I began to see the link when my brother sms me "This is the last time. God teach u to lie. All these years you lived for nothing. Respect is something that you earn not something you get from the position you have. Did you earn the respect? The answer is no. Never keep your promise."
I was very sad.. Because of MY ill-discipline, MY silly promise, MY self-centreness and MY insensitivity, I cause so much misery to myself, my mother, my brother and God. All the while I still think I am the victim when ALL the while I was the one...
I turn to God once more asking for forgiveness. He graciously restored me and gave me the strength to face the bad situation. All the situations and struggles are still there, everything have not change but I am happier now. Things are just so different WITH GOD. I decided to make conscious effort to keep to the promise. Try to love my brother though it is tough. Be a good testimony by still being good to my brother. Most importantly, I decided never again will I drift from God, who is my source of confort and strength..
Looking back, I thank God that He had preserve my life and not grant my wish. I thank God for being alive. I thank God that a second chance to be a better testimony. I thank God for this 6 month long trial where I grow and learn so much.
God is so GREAT! Amen?
-Shu Ling-
p/s: I am using a public computer to update this... :-)
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